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Tweeter

By the way there is a twitter link in the top right corner of this page. Unless you’re hacking my WordPress account and reading this through the editor.

Anyway, this elusive link I’m talking about (http://twitter.com/bottom5) is an easy way to track when I have posted new things. You know, so you don’t have to come in here running up my hit-count making me think like people are here for anything more than … well, I don’t know, why are you here?

Whatever the reason I hope you’re having fun. And if you are just now visiting, go back and read the first couple posts. They have more effort put into them. But don’t read the post on March Angriness because it’s terribly out of date now that WVU Butler Baylor Duke won

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Bottom ONE Website

worst website (of the day)

Every once in a while I stumble across a page that I would otherwise never visit – clicking a link by accident, searching random words on Google Image Search and then looking at the page containing the picture, or reading emails from my dad. Sometimes that find becomes my new favorite site, other times it leads me to throwing up and crying in the shower, thinking about the days of my childhood in 1994 when the site was last updated.

FOE Nebraska
http://www.foenebraska.com/

Ah the Fraternal Order of Eagles. Fraternal they are

This site includes such user-friendly gems as:

Click on following “Hyper-LINKS” to travel up the “Nebraska Eagles Trails”

And who could forget:

foe nebraska page

Remember guys, If you find any “broken or missing LINKS”, Please click on Webmaster’s name & let me know!)

I have to admit now that the only reason I am covering this website is that I’m secretly jealous of the photoshopping skills of Bill, the webmaster. Or his grandson who he commissioned with safe∙T∙pops.

dana went and patty welch build a snow man

Oh I see. They aren’t editing the pictures. They are using JibJab.

And judging by the quality, taking a picture of their computer screen with a disposable CVS brand camera and waiting a couple days to get the pictures developed. Then they get them pics off that there CD-ROM compact disk and make them go download to the internet from the computer box.

All my respect is lost for the FOE-Neb

Site was last updated last week so at least they’re keeping up with the site which is more than I can say

Worst of the Youtubes

When the YouTube website went online in 2005, I would offer that it changed the world the same way as the invention of the light bulb or the wheel.

More and more cameras that fit in your pocket were beginning to have the feature to record video along with pictures, so you didn’t need no stinkin’ cam-corder like your pep pep had in the 80’s.

The problem was that before YouTube, there was nowhere you could put your vacation videos to show your friends and family. You could email them which took about 2 days to process or learn how to make and burn a DVD.

Fast forward 5 years and enter YouTube. There are videos on everything from educational documentaries to after school fights that kids recorded with their cell phone. You can watch highlights from last nights hockey game before watching all your favorite band’s music videos on-demand (no more watching Music TeleVision all day wondering when they’re going to play music!)

But with all this accessibility for the masses comes some really horrible material. Pretty much as long as it isn’t (explicitly) pornographic or copyrighted (…copywritten?) then you can find it on YouTube. So what happens when you just stumble  around on the site NOT watching every video your friends talk about or that your mom’s friend (or friend’s mom) told you to watch?

Bottom 5 YouTube Videos Ever

5. The biggest advantage of the electric cigarette

4. Dogg Nights

3. Darrell Bluett in World of Pictures

2. balloon popping is back again

1. What’s a Period? Part One

I tell ya. Nothing better than watching these videos out of context without explanations or conversation. But of course, I won’t stop you if you discuss amongst yourselves in the comments.

I seem to notice a mix between these videos. Some have a ridiculously high view count. Some are embarrassingly low. So who really knows what it is that causes a video to go ‘viral‘…

Other than that, I am staying out of it because most of these videos are disturbing if not frightening.

Happy Springpranks’ Day

Welcome to mid-week mini-post Wednesday: Thursday edition!
We’re a week into Spring and three months have passed in 2010.
The local flora are about to consider blooming and Winter is right around the corner.
The only reasonable thing to do is play mean spirited pranks on people.

Bottom 3 April Fools pranks

3. Hack the internet

That’s right, hack every website at the same time. After you successfully bring the entire internet to a stand-still for an entire day, you might be experience some trouble with the Law. But I am confident that you maybe will probably get off with a warning if you tell the judge “April Fools!”

2. Try to pull over a cop

What you will need: police lights/siren built into your vehicle, impostor police uniform, ticket pad, squirt gun and/or nightstick

Drive around trying not to get pulled over for having police lights on the top of your car. When you see a real cop, speed up behind him and turn the lights and siren on. When he pulls over, walk up to his window asking for license registration and proof of insurance. If he doesn’t comply, call your friends or family for backup. Once he realizes what’s going on he will think it’s pretty funny and ironic that HE’S the one getting a ticket!

1. Tell your wife or girlfriend that you’re making dinner

At first she will fall for it and start gushing, maybe call up her girlfriends to brag. After about an hour of preparing a nice meal, have her sit down at a candlelit table, and dim the lights. Bring the food in and pour her some expensive wine (Boone’s Farm can substitute and she won’t know the difference). Tell her you want to make a toast before you dine. When you have her at the point where she can’t stop smiling, yell APRIL FOOLS at the top of your lungs.

Then pull the table cloth (and food/drinks silverware with it) off the table crashing to the floor. Start stomping around in the mess laughing and pointing at her and how gullible is.

At this point if she seems a little mad or upset, it might be getting a little over-the-top. Easy remedy: offer to take her out to Wendy’s.
If she declines and runs up to the bedroom crying, then whatever. That saves you about $7 and now you can watch the big game in piece and quiet.

and now a Haiku I just wrote:

come back tomorrow

its gonna be a bloodbath

“worst of youtube” post

Mystery Internet Games?

According to the 3-vote poll last week, there is a 3-way tie for what you most want me to write about. Internet, Games and Mystery Secret all recorded single votes while the others (sports, advice, TV, food) got zip.

I’m not sure about what the tie-breaking method is on these things. But since it’s the first one ever and hardly anyone voted, I don’t think it matters. So I will prattle on about a combination of the three. Except mystery secret because even I don’t know what it was going to be! Really!

Bottom 5 Internet Games

5. 100 Clicks (or whatever variation)100 clicks game screen

 

How to play/win: Click the circle 100 times, and check your time at the end.

Why it sucks: It’s the same every time. I mean really, you talk about bad games, and a lot of them are the same or repetitive. But this seems like more of an application or a metric to see how well your mouse works. It doesn’t even tell you how many clicks you have remaining and it doesn’t tell you the time until you’re done. It’s just up to you to click as quickly as possible to see how quickly as possible you click.

Bottom5’s tips for success: I don’t know, hold the mouse with one hand and alternate fingers maybe.

4. Escape the roomescape the room

How to play/win: Click the room

Why it sucks: I want to exit that door. So I click on it and nothing happens. Then I click on the door knob and it makes a “Door opening” sound effect, but it is locked. After clicking the screen for a few more minutes, another room is shown. No, it’s the same room but a different wall. I guess if you click the edge of the room you can turn. Too bad nobody told me that.

I found a button cell in a drawer. I don’t know what a button cell is. I click on it in my inventory and it’s now called a battery cell.

I keep looking at different walls in this room – there are 7 walls, which makes this room a heptagon according to Google.

What’s on the TV/cabinet? Ohh, it’s that ORLY owl from 2003.

One of the walls has a cut wire and something on a shelf. I can’t select whatever it is on the shelf

At this point I am out of options and all I have is some aluminum foil and Battery Cell{selected}. I give up and I will live in this room forever.

Bottom5’s tips for success: Never put your drink down when you’re in a nightclub. You could end up with a Mickey Finn and then wake up in a locked room with barred windows and some aluminum foil.

3. The Impossible Quiz 2the impossible quiz 2

How to play/win: Standard multiple choice quiz. But you have to try to figure out what the hell you’re being asked.

Why it sucks: Some of the Q/As are plays on words. Some are just downright ridiculous. If you have any urge to actually try to beat this game, you could be in for some frustration. Apparently “Galaxy” is larger than “Earth”. Who knew?

Bottom5’s tips for success: Find out the creator’s email address and make fun of his spelling errors and long flash intro.

2. Pico Sim Date 2pico sim date 2

Walkthrough: Date a lot of girls at the bar or in school in the game and maximize your attributes?

You start off placing attributes in Strength/Charm/Intelligence. I went to high school so I feel I have an unfair advantage at this – it’s easy. High school is awkward, so charm doesn’t matter. And since my character is in school, no use wasting points on intelligence. I will put all my eggs into the Strength basket. And a couple in charm just in case.

My attributes
Strength: 26
Intelligence: 1
Charm: 3

Note: I am skipping the intro scenes which seem to take about 18 minutes to go through.

Now I can choose how long I would like to play. The hardest mode is 75 days. Well I don’t want to play twice as long (easy is 150 days) So let’s go with hard.

Now I have a map. Where should I go to pick up girls?
The bar of course!

Looks like only one person is here. Ah here we go, I can hit on her. I try to talk and Mia says “Uh do you need something?” The only thing else I can do is introduce myself,  to which she walks away and I am told I have to get closer to her. H… how do I get closer without introducing myself? I click “date” and she says Ewww gross. I guess I’m not the type who should try to pick up girls at the bar at 9 in the morning. Maybe I should have put more stock into Charm.

1. Every Facebook RPG Gamefacebook games permission screen

How to play/win:

Whether it’s a farming game or a mafia game, the guidelines are basically the same.

  1. Buy things.
  2. Earn money/points based on your purchases.
  3. Use money/points to purchase more things the following day which multiplies your earnings.
  4. Repeat step 3 until your computer turns off because you stopped paying the electricity/internet bill and/or you die of dehydration

If you invite all your friends to do the same thing, you probably get a headhunters bonus that helps you earn money faster.

Money that you can use to buy more things which earn money.

Bottom5’s tips for success: Delete your Facebook account.

Comments below… Did I forget a game? Do you play any of these games? Admit it. Come on the internet is completely anonymous.

Hump-Day Mid-week Mini-Post

Since there is no central theme of this blog, besides making bad worst-of lists, I will let you the (7 or 8) readers decide the next post/list with a poll. This is internet interactivity at its finest. Web v2.0.1

Your reward for voting in the poll is this irreverent YouTube video: enjoy:

The job market? More like sob market

New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

In a bold new measure intended to address unemployment among young professionals, lawmakers from across the political spectrum agreed on legislation Tuesday to subsidize the cryogenic freezing of recent college graduates until the job market recovers

The job market sucks. If you don’t already have a job, you are likely going to have to make do living in underground tunnels beneath a farm, surviving off of carrots or wheat stalks, or whatever the farmer is growing. Picture it: the carrots are growing in your ceiling and you just pull them down when you’re hungry like in that Bugs Bunny cartoon.

If you’re lucky, you can make it big — panhandling on the street corners of The Big Apple. Ah, that’s the life. Laying on the curb, asking people for money. Taking that money to the liquor store and drinking your troubles away.

But lucky won’t cut it ever since the Economic Crisis of 2007.  In these rough and tumble times, you need to be smart. And the only way I know for you to get smart is reading peoples blogs on the internets.

The Bottom 5 ways to Score a Dream Job-or How I learned to quit worrying and love the recession

5. Purchase, Hide Under a Rock

This is a tested method but it’s not always practical. Firstly, if you are trying to avoid all of the coverage of the ECONOMIC RECESSION among TV, your friends, your boss, your mother, and the internet, you need a pretty big rock. You will have to live under this rock for the rest of YOUR LIFE and some of ETERNITY. So spend time looking for the right rock for you, and keep it adequately stocked.

4. Quit looking at newspapers

The best way to get a job is to find one that no one else knows about. Secret jobs. How many people do you think read newspapers daily? According to Lyar on Yahoo! Answers,

I read the paper nearly everyday from front page to last. Somehow the comics are always the front page the way I read it. :D

He’s a top contributor, so you know he isn’t lying. If Lyar from Yahoo! Answers reads the paper nearly every day from front page to last, you can imagine how many people that projects to who are also vying for whatever dream job it is that you’re looking for.

3. Resist being enticed by commercials for The Ladders

It’s hard to see that commercial and not think to yourself “Phew, The Ladders is here to help!” But what if you AREN’T 100k talent? Where are the websites for the rest of us? Luckily, CareerBuilder or HotJobs exist for just that reason.

2. Start your own colony

This one is a bit trickier. That’s why it’s down here at #2 I guess.

Where any society in history has failed, another one has come along to replace it. Therefore, since every society on Earth is in shambles over this recession, it’s up to YOU to fly to another planet, populate it, build cities and farms, and pretty much start up a recession-proof colony of humans. Good luck!

1. Don’t waste your money on college

Have you ever played Life? It could not be more true to, well, real life. If you choose college, you’ll be stuck with debt for most of the game. Once you get it paid off, you start making some nice money but then you die. I mean retire.

If you decide to jump right into a career, you see instant profits but watch out for those pesky Life Cards.

Wait a minute, Life Cards?! That’s not realistic… is it?

Say you wanted your Real-Life life to mirror your Game of Life life. If, at some point in your life you played Life by going through your life in Life without college, you could still pick up a Life Card. That is to say, some random unprecedented life event might occur. Winning the lottery / inheriting money from a long lost relative. Or the downsides, your barn explodes because the gas was left on and you lose all your livestock / you incur medical costs because your livestock decide to attack you the next time you go out for yard work.

The point I’m getting at is no matter what you choose in real life, you will probably get really frustrated with playing that fucking board game. Save your $20 and go buy some top shelf booze for me, that homeless guy living under your farm.