March Angriness

March Madness is here and I am mad already. Mad with anger! I am mad because I don’t know whether the Madness in March Madness refers to the British mad (which is more of a crazy: “Oi mate, are you mad?!”) or the usual American mad (expressing some kind of anger: “Son, I’m mad at you!) . Sometimes the coaches seem mad when they lose, but then there was this one dude who started punching fans in the crowd, I think cause he was losing, and I also think he spilled somebody’s $7 beer – that’s a little on the crazy side. Can anyone clear this up? Anyway, onto the list…

The Bottom 5 things to do if March Madness is too MAD for you.

5. Purchase, Hide Under a Rock

This is a tested method but it’s not always practical. Firstly, if you are trying to avoid all of the coverage of the NCAA tournament among TV, your friends, your boss, your mother, and the internet, you need a pretty big rock. You will have to live under this rock for the rest of march and some of April (could they call the last couple matchups April Angryness?). So spend time looking for the right rock for you, and keep it adequately stocked.

4. Explore alternative programming

I’m looking at you Puppy Bowl. You are a savior with your considerative attention toward all those who would literally rather watch dogs run arond for 3 hours instead of watching the Super Bowl (do I still have to call it “The Big Game?”) Let’s take a look at tomorrow’s TV listings to see what’s competing with the afternoon games… soap operas, Antiques Roadshow, Hot Fuzz will be on Comedy Central, aaaand Little House on the Prairie on Hallmark. And that’s about it. Come on networks, you’re going to have to do better than this, even though it’s only daytime television.

3. Do your taxes?

No, maybe for next year. Because if you haven’t filled them out by now, it’s probably too late. You have to mail it and the post office is closed until after March MADness, I think.

2. Prepare for Professional sports tournaments

Face it, March Madness is a bunch of kids playing basketball – whether or not they’ll make it to the NBA. As soon as the NCAA tournament ends, you can look forward to real professional athletes coming months. We’re talking the NHL playoffs (and to a lesser extent, NBA). Save your money from office pools, and buying beers and food during March Madness for those pro sports. Though chances are if college basketball is too mad for you, you probably can’t handle NHL playoffs.

1. Invest in a Quality Defibrillator

I know you said March Madness is too mad for you. I get it. But hear me out – you will watch and you probably will suffer cardiac arrest as CBS rapidly switches between 4 games that are all tied with 0.8 seconds left. Play it safe and take a few precautionary measures.